If This Isn't Dysfunction, I'd Hate to See What Is...

Last Saturday was the impetus that started this whole situation with me feeling the need that I need to start a blog, as an outlet for my frustration with my family.

On Saturday I went to get my haircut from one of my aunts and she told me that my mother mentioned that her work is harassing her because she is the highest paid employee at the location and they are trying to cut costs. My aunt told me that she was worried about my mother because my mother has been having health problems over the years.

I got really worried about my mother, because that is what society says that is what daughters should do, right? I also got worried because I know that although my mother may be the highest paid employee, she most certainly has had a difficult life and has little money saved in the event that she is forced to retire early.

My brain started to run crazy with the possibility that my mother would have to retire early. A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend mentioned that this might be a possibility and he stated to me, "You know that you will have to take care of her because your brother certainly won't". I've had that in the back of my mind for weeks.

My mother is only 54 and will be 55 next month, but she is in poor health. When I was a child she broke her back and she has had many neck and back problems over the years that are getting progressively worse as arthritis sets in her back. She also has a heart condition as well as knee and many other problems.

My mother has lived with a man for almost twenty years who is married to another woman. He's never bothered to get a divorce. He is retired from the military, getting a monthly retirement and he also works another job. Over the past couple of years I have become increasingly frustrated with the situation that she has nursed him to health through three heart attacks and a stroke, yet she is not married to him and will not receive benefits in the event that he passes away.

Saturday morning I called my mother and told her that her sister had mentioned her difficulties at work. My mom mentioned that her boyfriend was very sick with bronchitis and was not recovering well, so I decided to have a conversation with her about what might happen in the event that he passes away.

I told my mother, "Has it ever occurred to you that his wife might resurface after he dies and not even allow you to go to his burial? It's about time that he divorce her so that you can have legal rights over his burial, etc and you will also be financially protected, considering that his health problems have practically bankrupted you over the years".

My mother made excuse after excuse as to why he wasn't getting a divorce. I told her that I wanted to know how much she paid for her mortgage and other large bills in the event that something happened to him or she was forced to retire early. I expressed my concern that if they forced her to retire early that she wouldn't get health insurance. If she retires early, she will also only get half of her monthly check.

She told me that her mortgage was only 600 dollars per month, and I told her that I could commit to paying that monthly in the event that something happened and she had to retire early. Suddenly she said, "You are a greedy bitch. You just want to take my house and not give anything to your brother. All you care about is my money, and you didn't even care enough about how I was doing after my surgery".

Here we go again, I thought. And I just snapped.

"I hate to break it to you, but I make three times the amount of money as you, so I don't need your damn house or money. Normal people would actually feel grateful that I am trying to financially plan for the future in order to help you," I said.

"When are you going to stop letting these men fuck you around and not think of you?" I asked. When my father up and left her when I was three and my brother was two weeks old, his sorry ass financially broke her. Later he came back twenty years later demanding that she either sell the house or take out a loan on the house in order to give her half of its worth, although he had only lived there for four days. Years later, she had another boyfriend who proposed to her and after using some of her money to put as a down payment on a house that she could not afford alone, he left her high and dry and kept the money and the house.

Excuse, excuse, excuse, she made.

"Fine, if you want to die alone in the poor house, then that's your problem", I said right before she hung up on me.

Now, before you leave a comment that I am a selfish, mean and rude bitch, please just hold your horses until you read future posts about my mindset and events leading up to this conversation.

Sunday arrives, and I wake up with the flu. Literally, the flu-you know, h1n1? (Although I didn't know it was h1n1 until later, of course).

At some point I looked at my cell phone and saw that my mother had called four times in a row and left messages. I listened to one of the messages and she said, in a very condescending tone:

Where the hell are you? Aunt Pamela is calling and saying Sara (my cousin) is in the hospital with pneumonia. They said you just barely went by her house yesterday. Where the hell are you? Why the hell didn't you notice that she was sick? Get your fucking ass over there now!!

Of course I knew my cousin was sick, because I had caught the flu from her after visiting her the day before.

But I just lost it. I went totally crazy in my head, because I am at my wit's end with this crazy bitch. It wasn't even what she said so much, but it was how she said it. She said it with such disgust in her voice that it just royally pissed me off.

I called her and later my boyfriend told me that as soon as she picked up the phone I started yelling at her, "Who the hell do you think that you are calling me and leaving me such a disrespectful message?" I asked.

"How dare you! How dare you talk to me like this! I am the mother and I deserve to be spoken to with respect", and she hung up on me. As she was hanging up, I heard her tell her boyfriend, "Can you believe that she said..."

She of course has always flipped into third person and started talking about how she is the mother and deserves respect, while quoting the ten commandments.

At that point I decided to listen to the other two messages that she had left right after the first message. At the time she had left them all simultaneously, but I completely lost my temper after listening to the first message and didn't bother to listen to the next two.

I put the phone on speaker phone so that my boyfriend could hear the messages, because I wanted to make sure that I wasn't over-exaggerating. You see, when you have an abusive parent or someone in your life, they always love to turn it around on you and act like you are overreacting. So I needed proof.

All I can remember is seeing the look on my boyfriend's face as he was sweeping the floor and listening to the messages. He looked so shocked at what he was hearing.

I can't really remember all that she said, but a couple things that I took away from her yelling were: I am a bad daughter. I am a bad sister. I am a bad friend. Nobody likes me. I lack compassion. I am selfish. She hates me.

When I heard her say "I hate you" in such a disgusting way, I just knew that then and there was IT. I am not dealing with this crazy bitch anymore in my life. All because my cousin was in the hospital.

I find it so funny when I think back upon it that she had left all three of those messages, but when I called her I had heard only one. Yet she yelled at me "How dare you talk to me like this.." when I called her--even after she had just told me that she fucking hated me!

All my life she has said stuff like this, and when I get mad about it she says, "Oh, you know I didn't mean it. You take things too seriously".

So at that moment, I made the decision to close the door on my relationship with her. It's been a long time coming, and I am so relieved that I am cutting her off. I wrote her a letter telling her not to contact me anymore because I refuse to be in a dysfunctional relationship like this.

I went to bed (flu, remember?).

About an hour later, I received a telephone call from my cousin's house and I answered the phone. It was my mother. She said, "You need to get over here because Sara (my cousin) is calling the police on Pamela (my aunt)". My aunt grabbed the phone out of my cousin's hand and said, "Get over here NOW! She's a whore! I hate her!"

I'm so sick of this. And it was then and there that I decided that I am not going to have anything to do with my aunt, also. What the hell is wrong with these people, saying that they hate their daughters? I've never had children myself, but I take it very seriously when someone says that they hate me. It's unacceptable.

To make a long story short, my boyfriend drove me over there. My aunt had punched my cousin in the face (yes, the cousin who had just been discharged with pneumonia) because my cousin wouldn't allow my aunt to take her baby over her house for the evening. By the time I got there, the police were gone but my cousin asked us to drive over to my aunt's house and get the baby's ear medicine.

So I drove across town to my aunt's house and when I got there, my mom was sitting in the front yard.

But get this-she wanted to make small talk with me. She asked me one hundred questions and then said, "Gosh, what's your problem?"

"Are you serious? What's my problem?" I asked. "Did you not just yell at me and tell me that you hate me an hour ago? I'm done with this-you people are mentally ill and I can't deal with it anymore".

As I walked away she said, "You are a bad daughter. A bad sister".

I got into the car, rolled up the window and played music until my aunt came outside to give me the medicine.

Suddenly, when I rolled down the window to get the medicine, my mother yells out, "Have you taken your Toyota in to get the recall taken care of?"

WTF?!?!?!

Oh, and by the way, this was all on Valentine's Day, which is not surprising because both her and her sister always manage to ruin every one's special day or holiday. Literally-all hell breaks loose on every important day. (Not that Valentine's day is really important to me, but you know what I mean).

My mother didn't call me all week, but this last Saturday she called my telephone and didn't leave a message. On Tuesday I got a wacko Valentine's Day card from her that I would love to blog about later. I want absolutely nothing to do with her.

If this is not dysfunction, then I do not know what to think anymore.