Where Do I Even Begin?

I don't even know where to begin. All I know is that I am seriously frustrated with certain things that have been going on in my life lately that have to do with my family, and I just really want to have nothing to do with practically anyone in the family. To feel that I am at that point where I practically want to cut off contact with almost everyone in the family is a bit of a stressful feeling, to put it mildly.

As I stated, I don't even know where to begin. So maybe I will begin with last weekend and what started me on this path to try and control my anger when it comes to my family.

It's been a couple of years now that my anger has been building up to its breaking point when it comes to my mother. I have just been going through the motions when she calls me and practically every time that she calls me, I make some sort of excuse to get off the telephone. This excuse might include saying that I am driving and I need to concentrate, that I have to go to the bathroom, that I have another telephone call, and anything else that I might think of at any given moment.

It seems that for the past couple of years that I can barely talk to her for longer than five minutes on the telephone without saying quickly, "Okay, nice talking to you, bye!" and quickly hanging up before I scream at her. I don't even really want to talk to her at all anymore.

I sometimes wonder if I am just a complete asshole, or whether I am justified in not really wanting to interact with her.

Last Christmas she went to visit my brother out of town and I was so relieved that I didn't have to see her. I had to go pick her up from the airport (which was a huge issue that I will get to later) and we ended up getting into an argument. I told her that I would stop by to get my Christmas presents the next day, and to this day I have never gone.

A couple of weeks ago she called to tell me that they found a lump in her armpit and that she would have surgery. She had the surgery and honestly, I never even bothered to call her to see what they found in her armpit. Because I'm at this strange point in my life where I just wish that she would disappear.

So maybe once again I am an asshole, or maybe I am just so beyond having to deal with dysfunction anymore. I've got this all mixed up in my head and it's driving me crazy. I am an introspective person, and it is not above me to analyze myself to see if I am contributing to a situation or being a selfish asshole. Yet there is another part of me that thinks that I can't think clearly about this whole situation because I am so used to all of the dysfunction. It's for this reason that I have decided to blog about it-to try to get my head straight.

In the next post I will write about the recent drama that just recently kicked off this blog.